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Always Lying to You

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Keep.going. [17 May 2013|01:25pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I'm alive. I persist. In the face of anguish. People have tried to tear me down, over and over, in new and inventive ways. I've come so close to destroying myself before. But I'm still here. I just conducted an amazing concert last night. This is it. This is where I was meant to be. I am going to keep going. I get sad. I get downtrodden. But I refuse to fall.

watch me as I slowly die

Joe [26 Oct 2012|02:50pm]
This is the kind of textbook, idyllic relationship they use in movies. We grow with each other and balance each other out. Even at our worst, we remember and appreciate each other's best.
watch me as I slowly die

[25 Aug 2010|02:42pm]
I would just like to point out the fact that...

you're a whore.
you're a whore, you're whore, you're a whore.

Man, that feels better.

I also want to point out the fact that the only reason you think people you went to high school with have changed and/or are assholes is because they don't want to talk to you. They don't want to talk to you because YOU have not changed and they are no longer willing to put up with your BULLSHIT because it is abundantly clear that you.will.not.grow.up. You are an example of why I have a waning faith in humanity.

You have a lying problem. You lie and think it is real. You believe the utter bullshit you come up with and cannot be convinced that maybe, just maybe, you're a fucking moron. I'd rather be meek-seeming and right than wrong and think I'm right, absolutely.

You thrive on drama always. You create stuff with your friends and family because you can't stand to be alone with your own, calm, sober thoughts. Which is proof that you are EXACTLY who you were in high school only now you're dragging innocent, young lives into it. Those poor kids will either be the spawn of satan or they will be too fucked up to function.

I don't think I'd give a shit about any of this though if it wasn't for the fact that you continually bring me into all of it. I haven't given you anything but monosyllabic responses for years and yet you still fancy me one of your fucked up toys in your fucked up life and you don't seem to understand the word 'no'.

Phew. Possibly more venting to come.
2 broken observers| watch me as I slowly die

[14 Apr 2010|01:12pm]
watch me as I slowly die

[08 Mar 2010|02:48pm]
I refuse to go down
under this, going under

The light is closing me out
under this, going under

I refuse

Today, we mark ourselves
in ways we have before;
blotting out representations
of memories with desperation

I refuse

The sweet sound of fatigue
draining from our lips
in ways we've only dreamed

I refuse to be
what my brain, my world, my lord
is calling me to be

I refuse to be yours

I refuse to go down,
struck under this chord


The fire!
the burning scourge
of waste and red
screaming through my head

And I draw black
out from light
Turn it in on itself
sucking in all that's left

Not pain, not despair
none of these come cold
like ice
Flames that lick at wounds,
char for scabs,
hidden from the glow
the chroma,
watch me as I slowly die

[26 Aug 2009|05:38pm]
watch me as I slowly die

[29 Apr 2009|02:03pm]
watch me as I slowly die

[20 Jul 2008|02:58pm]
watch me as I slowly die

[23 Jun 2008|11:00am]
watch me as I slowly die

[16 Jun 2008|03:23pm]
watch me as I slowly die

[27 May 2008|06:25pm]
The 10 Countdown.

Ten Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:

1. I can't remember ever saying it to you before even though you mean so much to me, but I love you. I love you a whole lot and I don't think this is fair.

2. You seem to be falling deeper and deeper in the black hole and I have no idea how to get you out or if you even need my help.

3. You seem a little like a dream, like you never happened. But I want you to have been real because we had a lot of good times and I only wish you could remember that.

4. You wear me out a bit. You do absolutely nothing and that's how you wear me out. It's amazing really. And the most amazing part: I'll never stop trying. And there's no reason for it except that I don't want to remember you, I want to know you.

5. Sometimes, I think youre' right, that we're very much alike. But sometimes I know you're wrong. We're nothing alike in all the big ways. Most of all- I'm stronger than you are.

6. I think you really havean opportunity to make something good with your life and I'm proud that you're taking it and quietly ignoring your parents.

7. I don't how to be for you and I feel like I might be leading you on when I'm simply being honest.

8. You three make me feel like I can make a difference, simply by the ways you've changed.

9. I've been acting moony lately and maybe you think it's the distance and maybe you feel like I'm just like him. Maybe it's all of that and more. Seeing who you're becoming, who you are, it excites me and no one is more excited for your moving forward than I am.

10. I would rather have you annoy me every day in a small country town for the rest of my life than see the whole, entire world, living whereever I wanted and having nothing but fun 'til I died.

(No one ask which number is about who. I'm not telling anyone).

Nine Things About Yourself:

1. I don't like my joints or the back of my heel to be rubbed.

2. I was introduced to Emily Dickinson because she had the same name as me. I was 5/6. I've been in love with her ever since.

3. Once I get into a normal exercise routine, I tend to push myself pretty hard.

4. I'd rather be a wallflower.

5. I'd love to do post-baccalaureate work later on in life.

6. I wish I had more confidence in my abilities more often.

7. I stress out a lot about all kinds of things.

8. I'm a lot happier when I'm able to play my trumpet everyday.

9. I've found a man who thinks I'm the most beautiful thing in his world.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:

1. Make me laugh.

2. Be patient.

3. Love me for my eccentricites.

4. Don't be fainthearted.

5. Help me relax.

6. Don't offend me.

7. Have an opinion.

8. Let me in.

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

1. I wonder when he's getting home.

2. What do I have to do today?

3. Got to be thinner.

4. I should go practice.

5. Exercise, exercise, exercise.

6. What time is it?

7. What to eat?

Six Things You Wish You Never Did:

1. Sometimes, I wish I hadn't moved down to VA. But there are things that have happened that made me grow up, experiences I've had that are essential to my future with Todd, and all-around my horizons have been expanded. So I would not change it if I could.

2. Sometimes, I wish I hadn't gone into the pre-med program and had gone straight into the music program, but I went through classes I would never have if I hadn't been int he pre-med mind and there are several major happenings that might not have been if I had inducted myself into the music program straight-off. I would not change it if I could.

3. Sometimes, I wish I had acted more carefully, talked more carefully, had not broken in front of the counselors, so my parents would never had known, but I might not have stopped , even though I stopped only in fear of repurcussions. I might not be alive today. So, I would not change it if I could.

4. Sometimes, I wish I had been more patient and steadfast. But no one is perfect and, overall, I am proud of how I have risen and grown and who I am now. No one can rise or grow without having somewhere to rise or grow from. I would not change it if I could.

5. Sometimes, I wish I hadn't alienated my ex the way I did. It's something I have tried to change.

6. Sometimes, I wish I had been stronger, but I'm still alive and maybe those times where I was weak were what taught me how, in what way, to be strong. I would not change it if I could.

Five Turn Offs

1. Super big muscles.

2. Ignorance.

3. Being cruel.

4. Unhealthy eating habits.

5. Smoking.

Four Turn Ons:

1. Loving/caring.

2. Funny.

3. Smiles a lot.

4. Intelligent.

Three Smilies That Describe Your Life:

(I'll just use the ones I use most often)

1. :)

2. :D

3. :P

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:

1. Have a family.

2. Feel like I've contributed to the big picture.

One Confession:

1. I'm not afraid of what my future holds, I'm not afraid of what's in my past, I'm only afraid of how I spend my time today.
watch me as I slowly die

Another TV show rant [04 Apr 2008|02:10pm]
Ok, so, I've been rewatching first season Roswell and the seasons of Grey's Anatomy and I feel I can no longer hold it in: I absolutely abhor Katherine Heigl's characters! Izzy Evans (Roswell) and Izzy Stevens (Grey's) are pretty much the same self-absorbed, Christmas-obsessed, annoying characters. I think I mayb the only one, in fact, that wishes Izzy would get written out of Grey's! Don't get me wrong, I'm a big girl who know the difference between TV and reality- I don't hate Katherine Hiegl, but man! I hate the characters she's portrayed in making it to where she is now. To be honest, I thought this was the only kind of character she could play (also Wish Upon a Star and Knocked Up) until 27 Dresses. Maybe this is rant is really just about how much I hate the character of Isobel Stevens on Grey's. However! I believe that Grey's has paralleled BtVS in a lot of ways so far as far as some of the relationships go, especially looking at it from a George/Xander standpoint. Xander screwed around with Willow (his best friend and a character I also do not like as much) while he was in a semi-long-term relationship. So, I'm hoping that Grey's also has the stamina to continue through the mess that has become Geroge and Izzy. However, George points out the self-absorbedness that is Izzy and...in this I find that perhaps the show can go on if the audience is made to love Izzy again and see her as a flawed person...make herself see she is a flawed person and perhaps give some real penance.

Wow, that was a whole lot of crazy.

btw, I think my favorite Julie Benz character is Rita from Dexter. I don't like it when she tries to play a dominant type, I don't think it befits her.
watch me as I slowly die

[31 Mar 2008|08:22pm]
It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I was small
I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you ever get weary?
Do you ever get weak?
How do you dream
When you can't fall asleep?

I've been wondering what you're thinking
And if you like my dress tonight?
Would you still say you love me
Under this ordinary moonlight?
I'm so afraid of what you'll say.

I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

I used to think I was special
And only I have proved me wrong

I thought I could change
The world with a song
But I have ended up in India
With no lamp to guide me home.
The strangest place I think
I have ever been
And all this time
I thought that we were friends
My stubborn will is learning to bend.

I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
watch me as I slowly die

Your commitment's so dangerous [17 Jan 2008|09:13pm]
Maybe I've figured it out. It gets harder so you can better prove and describe and explain your feelings. It gets harder to weed out the unnecessary things or the unworthy things.

Things seemed to exponentially grow in difficulty once I started trying to move down here and even moreso once I had moved down here. Sure, there have been a few specific hiccups to ensure difficulty (i.e. my poor totaled car) and I'll admit that for a few split seconds scattered about in all the chaos and seemingly constant change, I've thought about how much easier everything would be if I went back to Michigan seeing as how I'm not going to school down here right now and that's "half the reason" I came down here in the first place, right?

Except that even when I get frustrated with him, I am more frustrated at myself for not actually being all that angry. The anger lasts a second because I know that really, it's not worth being angry for any longer than that. He's precious to me. Every little bit of him. And I wouldn't trade in the moments we fall asleep together for easy.

There's no doubt in my mind or heart that he's going to be in the rest of the chapters of my life.
1 broken observer| watch me as I slowly die

[14 Dec 2007|07:42pm]
I've tripped again and things are starting to get interesting
Don't give me choices cause I can't decide
My mind is soaked in words
I've come to terms with all my insecurities
And purity's no friend of mine

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me

You're kinda cool but I know better than to break the rules
Of messin' with a lesson that I'll never learn
I'll go from bad to worse and later back to better
But I'll never better bridges that I'm bent to burn

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me

This is a warning
This is a warning
This is a warning

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me
If you're trying to change me
If you're trying to change me
watch me as I slowly die

[28 Nov 2007|06:09pm]
1. The age you will be on your next birthday:

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2. A place to which you would like to travel:

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3. Your favorite place:

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4. Your favorite object:

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5. Your favorite food:

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6. Your favorite animal:

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7. Your favorite color:

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8. The town in which you were born:

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9. The town in which you live:

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10. The name of a past pet:

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12. Your best friends nickname:

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13. Your nickname/screen name:

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14. Your first name:

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15. Your middle name:

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16. Your last name:

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17. A bad habit:

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18. Your first Job:

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19. Your grandmother's name:

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20. Your major in college:

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watch me as I slowly die

[27 Nov 2007|11:06am]
You were the oxygen in my lungs when I forgot to breathe and the sights I saw that made me know this world could be beautiful.
watch me as I slowly die

Huh...I remember how to lj cut.... [26 Oct 2007|05:18pm]


watch me as I slowly die

Blue skies watching it all [18 Oct 2007|01:14am]
I've had some interesting and somewhat surprising incidents happen over the last couple days. It would seem that the people around me who are prone to not listen/blow things out of proportion have actually listened and are being...I don't know...considerate? understanding? Who knew they were capable of such things? It's just making everything easier, to be honest.

Anyway, I figure I hsould give an actual date.

I'm moving to Virginia. I haven't actually gotten a response from VSU yet, but it's come to the point where not moving down there is an not an option. If I don't get accepted, then I'll go to Norfolk State or something, which will have to do for now....

To be honest, I'm afraid that if this falles through, if I don't get accepted to VSU and decide to stay here and continue at Wayne State...something will wrong with Todd and I. The strain will be too much. And I'm in such a rut here that I really feel moving and starting fresh is the best option if I can do it.

But on the non-worrisome side, I am so....indescribably warmed by the idea of moving in with him. When he's back in Detroit and living with me, it's...perfect. And to be honest, living with boys has made me realize that to expect him to clean things of his own accord would only leave me disappointed. However, if I ask him to clean, well, by gum, he freaking will.

I'm tired and stressed and scared.
But I'm also so damn happy.

I look around my room and I'm surrounded by all of these things, just things. It feels like nothingness, really. But he steps into my head and everything is something. Do any of you get that?

Some days I still can't believe how in love with him I am...that I could love somebody this much...it's crazy to me. I mean I've cared head-over-heels for people...but this is different. He really does...fill this void in me. We fit into each other perfectly.

I'm going to miss sooo much of this place. Detroit. My friends. My family. Fall!!!

But if you know me, you'd know that I have neeeeeevver made an effort for something I didn't feel I had to do or logically thought I should do. I don't feel that this is something I absolutely have to do and I don't feel that this is something I really should do. This is something I am doing for myself because it's going to make me happy. Normally, I would settle for something that was easier to handle, something I didn't really have to put much work into. But this transfering business and finding a place to live business and moving business is...annoying and difficult and stressful. But I'm doing it anyway.

God, I normally never go to bed so late, but I'm wired! and I don't know why... I really need to go to bed, I'm sick and I don't have much chance to sleep tomorrow and then I have to drive over 12 hours on Friday, starting at 1:30 a.m. or so, meaning I have to start getting ready to go around 12:30 or so. I hope I don't crash.....
watch me as I slowly die

[12 Oct 2007|06:27pm]
Abused Boy Tried to Stop 2nd Kidnapping
By CHRISTOPHER LEONARD, Associated Press Writer
Thu Oct 11, 8:35 AM

KIRKWOOD, Mo. - Michael Devlin was a cunning manipulator of the children upon whom he preyed. But in the months before he kidnapped a 13-year-old in January, Devlin faced a rebellion from the boy he had held captive for more than four years.

When Devlin told Shawn Hornbeck he was going to kidnap a new boy, Shawn fought the man who had tortured, isolated and manipulated him since 2002.

Shawn, then 15, told his 41-year-old captor that another child should not have to endure the horrors he had been put through, according to a prosecutor and Shawn's attorney.

To tighten his psychological hold over Shawn, Devlin took him along on the kidnapping of the second child. He told Shawn that running to the police would get both of them arrested.

Devlin essentially said, "OK, buddy, now that you're in the truck with me, you're in as much trouble as I am," Scott Sherman, an attorney for Shawn and his family, said Wednesday.

In the most detailed public explanation yet of how Devlin kept Shawn and the other boy under his control, Sherman and Washington County Prosecutor John Rupp told The Associated Press that Shawn did all he could to stop his captor from kidnapping Ben Ownby. But Shawn was powerless to fight the man who had systematically abused and manipulated him for years.

Devlin told Shawn in fall 2006 that he planned to kidnap another boy, just as he had taken 11-year-old Shawn in 2002 as the boy was riding his bike near his home in the town of Richwoods, Rupp said.

"Shawn just went ballistic on Devlin, telling him: 'There's no way another boy should have to go through what I went through,'" Rupp told the AP. Devlin had tortured Shawn for years, keeping him isolated in an apartment while forcing him to take the name Shawn Devlin.

The details from Rupp emerged Wednesday after Devlin's guilty pleas in a fourth and final jurisdiction. In federal court, Devlin admitted to making pornographic photographs and videotapes of Shawn and taking him across state lines to engage in sex acts.

On Monday and Tuesday, Devlin was immediately sentenced to life terms for kidnapping and abusing the boys in Washington, St. Louis and Franklin counties. Devlin received 20 consecutive life sentences, making him ineligible for parole until he is more than 100 years old.

The Associated Press generally does not identify suspected victims of sexual abuse, but the story of Shawn and Ben has been widely publicized, and their names are well known.

Evidence presented at this week's hearings indicated Devlin was a calculating predator with a seemingly boundless appetite for inflicting pain on young boys.

Rupp said he didn't know of any time that Shawn ever tried to flee from Devlin, because the boy was terrified Devlin would find him and kill him.

But Shawn's resistance to Devlin had grown so intense by late 2006 that the man realized his normal threats of murder or sexual violence wouldn't control the boy, Sherman said.

"When none of those threats can work, and Shawn was going nuts, then the only thing that was left was that Shawn had to be in as much trouble" as Devlin was, Sherman said.

Devlin's lawyers said the accounts of their client are accurate.

"I think that Shawn Hornbeck is really a hero," said Ethan Corlija. "He really threw himself on the sword many times so Ben would not have to go through any undue torture."

It appears that Ben was in more danger than previously known.

Devlin told Shawn that he planned to kill the boy after abusing him and had no intention of taking the risk to create another "son," as he had with Shawn, Rupp said.

"He told Shawn that was his plan _ he was going to keep Ben for a while and then kill him," Rupp said.

Corlija said he could not comment specifically on that assertion.

After Devlin's last court appearance, Shawn's father, Craig Akers, described the end of four hearings as a big relief, a "last sigh" for the family.

"We're just so glad this is the outcome, that the monster is caged and will remain caged."

He and his wife, Pam, said Thursday that they had both believed Hornbeck deserved the death penalty, but then changed their minds.

The more I think about it, I almost want him to suffer," Pam Akers told ABC's "Good Morning America." Her husband said the death penalty is "just too easy."

Shawn has been watching news coverage of Devlin's guilty pleas and knows he is finally free of the man's grip, Craig Akers said.

"He's been following the proceedings for the first time since he's come home," he said.

When asked what words Shawn used when he saw Devlin sentenced on television, Akers and his wife exchanged a quick smile.

"There's some of them I don't think I can actually use," Akers said.
watch me as I slowly die

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